You just made me feel so damn special
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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