How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
