I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
