I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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