I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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