it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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