someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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