So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
