I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
