Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
