Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
