But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
