Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
