The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
