My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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