i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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