I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
