Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
