just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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