I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
