Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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