All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
