I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
