Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
