My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Everything about him screamed your future.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
