I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
