I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
