i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
