be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
