im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
