My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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