So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is wine microwaveable?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
