I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
