i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
