I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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