Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
