Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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