sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
