make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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