his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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