last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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