I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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