brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
