I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
