wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
