Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
