he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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