I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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