you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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