Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
