I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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