I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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