I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
