mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Your penis caused this!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
